


keepers

by copperiisulfate



Category: Free!
Genre: Episode Tag, Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:26:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2309621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperiisulfate/pseuds/copperiisulfate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wasn’t promised to you. </p><p>It was your own fault if you had ever thought any different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	keepers

You want to keep him, safe in your skin, written into your bones, selfishly, like a part of you, but then, you know the need for freedom better than anyone, know that you cannot take that away from him. Not him. Not ever.  _Not him._

After all, he’s never needed to be beside you, has always done it out of kindness and heart and had always had the world entire before him. It’s a world that would probably never deserve his smile or his heart but you love him and if he wants it, you want it for him. You will let yourself want for him anything he wants because he’s never deserved less, has always deserved  _more than—_

 

*

 

The fireworks keep going off behind your eyes and everything _stings._

Everything,  _everything_ , from the backs of your eyes to the back of your throat and there’s this dull ache in the pit of your stomach bubbling up into your chest and it feels like it will explode any second now but has nowhere to go, has nothing to do now that— 

He’s going to  _leave_  and you think you should have seen it coming.

It’s good, you think. Good for him.

You try to think it will be good for you too but you don’t know who you’re trying to kid. 

 

*

 

Rin comes like a hurricane, a bag slung over his shoulder and adventure in his wake and you go with the tide because you don’t know what else to do, where else to go.

(Behind your eyes, there are fireworks and  _We love you_ and  _Tokyo_ and—

You’re counting minutes, counting miles, mapping trains in your head—

 _counting days_  until an end that shouldn’t feel like an end but everything is grey except—

the fireworks behind your eyes.)

 

*

 

You stare at your phone and put it away before you start fidgeting.

You put your head in your hands and you breathe.

(You try.)

 

*

 

You want to keep him.

You want to keep him and you know it’s wrong. He’s not yours; he was never yours. It was a loan, at best, a thing rationed out for a time, the best luck you’d ever had (the best time; the only time; all the time).

He wasn’t promised to you. It was your own fault if you had ever thought any different. 

But none of that matters because you’re selfish and you’re irrational and you want to keep him, want to tell the world to back off because he’s  _yours_. doesn’t matter that you’re wrong doesn’t matter that you’re being selfish except, of course, it does and, of course, you are and, of course, you’d do anything,  _anything_ , if it made him happy even if lately, all you’ve done is make him sad.

You can’t even close your eyes without the sad lines of his frown, drowned out as you’re blinded by the fireworks, the sounds of small explosions, your heart shot to _pieces._

 

*

 

You see him then, at the end, a final summer, the rest of your life still a question, still a shadow, but it’s hard to care because he’s looking at you, all needless guilt, all glassy-eyed.

This is the space between you and you can’t take it. This is your  _heart_  and you can’t take it;  _you cannot take it._ You run to him and you knock him to the ground with the sheer force of it, how much you’ve missed him, all this time. It feels like his heart’s been away from yours with the way you already miss him even though he’s still here, even though he hasn’t left yet. 

You’ll take the train, you think, sudden, clear. You’ll help him set up in Tokyo. You don’t know what will come after but this is a decision, fifty percent of the battle.

You miss him already and it’s bleeding you dry, miss him so much you think it could crack the sky open like a storm.

It rains then anyway (or maybe it’s just heard you).

He laughs into your hair, soft, whispers your name and you’re not going to let him go, or at least, not just yet, not right now. 

 _Haru,_  he says, a word half-swallowed. His hair sticks to his face from the rain and you want to laugh but you’re worried it’s going to come out a sob. 

You kiss him, instead, with your heart in your throat.

He laughs into it and, somewhere in there, there is definitely a sob.

 

*

 

This is your  _heart_  and it’s warm. In his hands, it feels safe, like it’s been, like it belongs, always, eternal.

 _Free._  

 

**Author's Note:**

> i carry your heart with me(i carry it in  
> my heart) - e.e. cummings


End file.
